


I'm Not Broken

by RPGwrites



Series: Choices [1]
Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Aromantic, Asexual Character, F/M, Flashbacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:40:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27796330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RPGwrites/pseuds/RPGwrites
Summary: Shepard and Kaidan's relationship is going great! Or that's what she believes. When he keep telling her she's holding back she knew it's time to have the talk. The talk that always destroys her relationships. No one could ever accept her. Will Kaidan be the same as the rest?
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko/Female Shepard
Series: Choices [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1867495
Comments: 12
Kudos: 17





	I'm Not Broken

**Author's Note:**

> Prompted by Citadelshushi. Prompt: "You're holding back."
> 
> A big shoutout to [ Pip_n_Flinx ](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pip_n_Flinx) for betaing.

When they almost kissed before Joker interrupted them, Shepard knew she would need to tell Kaidan. It always came to this. 

Charlotte Shepard wasn't meant to be in relationships. She didn't want to be touched or held as others wanted.

Space was everything to her. So important, it was the reason why all her relationships didn’t work out. 

And she was bound to lose Kaidan. The only problem was she didn't  _ want _ to lose him. 

In relationships, other people always seemed to want sex. It's not what she wanted. 

"You're holding back."

Kaidan had spoken these words time and again, but each time she managed to change the subject.

Now they were chasing Saren and Shepard was about to tell him the broken part of herself.

She knew she couldn't wait any longer. Soon he would expect other things and she couldn't give it to him. All relationships lead to this. 

“Commander,” her door slides open to reveal none other than Kaidan. Shepard’s heart fluttered. “You wanted to see me.”

“Thank you for coming, Kaidan.”

* * *

Shepard had sent him a message that she wanted to see him but he had no idea what it could be about. He and Shepard had something special. But… Kaidan wished he knew where he stood with her. 

Shepard was special, and each day his feelings for her grew and grew. 

One moment she wanted him and the next she didn’t. He noticed certain things that made her uncomfortable. He saw how her muscles got tense when the crew talked about sex. Usually, she made an excuse to leave. He knew they should talk. He should ask her about it and time again he said one phrase.

“You’re holding back.”

Kaidan wanted to give her space. Space for her to talk when she is ready. 

But she always made an excuse and they left things as such. It wouldn’t help they talk about if she isn’t ready. 

Kaidan feared that her heart wasn’t in this relationship. Shepard didn’t know what she wanted. Or that’s the signals she gave to Kaidan. 

His heart pounded out of his chest as he stood in front of her door. Wondering if this was the conversation he dreaded. 

* * *

Kaidan stared at her as he waited for her to begin. It reminded her of all the times she had relationships and the way they always ended. 

Memories spawned and took her thoughts with them.

“Shepard I can’t keep doing this,” Bram said. 

She sighed. She knew this conversation was coming. “That’s why we need to talk.”

He expectantly waited for her. “So talk.”

She took a deep breath as she started. “I need my space.”

“And I’m giving it to you.”

She frowned. That wasn’t space. “You always want to hold me. And if you can't you’re pissed.”

“The space I’m giving you isn’t enough? For crying out loud Shepard we’re in a relationship!"

Miserably she buried her face in her hands. “Not for me.”

He laughed. But this situation wasn’t funny at all. “It’s what people in relationships do. And one of these days we’ll be doing other things.”

Shepard frowned. She was lost. She had no idea what he talked about. She desperately wished it wasn’t sex. That was another topic she didn’t want to deal with right now. 

“C’mon Shepard! You’re clueless. I’m talking about sex.”

The colour from her face drained. It was already here. How in the world had this relationship grown this fast? 

“I don’t want to have sex,” she slowly sat on the bed as the inevitable came to be. 

“I can wait,” he sat with her and held her hand,but she let go. 

She shook her head. “You don’t understand.” This was when she understood like the others this relationship was never meant to last. “I don’t want to have it, ever.”

He abruptly stood up. “Grow up Shepard. Everyone wants that. Stop making pathetic excuses, or no one will ever want you!" Bram stormed out. 

She sat there looking at the door. 

_ Perhaps something is wrong with me? _

* * *

“Shepard,” Kaidan took his hands into hers. “Whatever it is, you can tell me.”

Shepard smiled softly, “I couldn’t ask for someone better.” She let go of his hands, “And that’s what makes this even harder.”

“Is something wrong?” Kaidan’s features were the picture of distress. She could see as his mind went through the worst possible scenarios. 

“In a relationship,” Shepard sighed. “Certain people want certain things.”

He squeezed her hand, “And we can figure that out.”

“No that’s not…” She stopped herself. “I know it might seem I don’t know what I want. But I  _ know _ what I want. I want you.”

Kaidan frowned. “I don’t understand. What’s the problem?”

How was it that if she was facing the councillors she’d know exactly what to say, but here she was totally freezing up? If this was a crowd to rally, it would’ve been the easiest thing to do. 

“I’m asexual and grey-aromantic. I don’t want a normal relationship. I want companionship, and if that’s not something that you want I can understand that.” The words flowed without slowing or pausing. “I don't want sex, and I don't want to feel crowded. I just want you.”

Kaidan gave a soft smile, and Shepard had no idea what that meant. “We can have that.”

“I knew it was better to end-” Shepard stopped herself realizing what Kaidan had said. Wait... You're okay with that?"

“Why wouldn’t I be?” He squeezed her hands again. 

Shepard was speechless. For the first time, she didn’t know what to say.

* * *

Fingers interlocked Kaidan and Shepard sat on the floor. She couldn’t believe it. It was the first time her partner hadn't reacted negatively to her sexuality. Was this possible? Did her ears deceive her?

“I don’t understand,” Shepard said looking down at their hands, “How are you okay with this?”

“Surely others were okay with this.”

With that Shepard let go of his hand. Her face didn’t know what to do.

“Shepard,” he said slowly, “Are you serious? No one accepted this part of yourself.”

“No,” she began softly, “But I only told the people I had too.”

He cupped her cheek, “Oh Charlotte,” Kaidan didn’t use her first name very often. “I’m sorry.”

“I have someone now,” Shepard began. 

“Yes,” Kaidan agreed, “You have me.”

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to come and say hi on [ Tumblr ](https://rpgwrites.tumblr.com/).


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